Unfortunately, if you're at-fault and the other party wants to file a claim against you, that is within their power to do so — even if you previously agreed to pay for the damage out-of-pocket. If you had already paid for the damage, make sure to tell the claims department when you speak with them and provide proof if you have it.
The claim payout for the total loss will only go to the lienholder or owner and not a third party. Your boyfriend will need to somehow sign the check or the vehicle over to you so you can remedy the situation.
If your vehicle is totaled, you should definitely file a claim and see if your insurance will cover it. If they refuse and your friend (the driver) has renters or homeowners insurance, he may be able to use his liability coverage.
Insurance is regulated on the state level and every state has its own insurance laws. For example, Michigan residents are well-known to pay the most expensive premiums in the country due to the state's coverage requirements, which include unlimited medical coverage for the lifetime of car accident victims. Interestingly, our data suggest that the average rate in Washington is slightly less than the average in Texas ($1,368 versus $1,415, respectively).
As long as you're on the deed, you do not need permission from all parties to change your homeowners insurance if it is in your name. Anyone with a vested interest could also insure the property how they see fit. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.